Please Stand By
by WastelandScribe
Summary: In a post-apocalyptic world, one hero will rise from Vault 101. He will defend the helpless, bring the wicked to justice, purify a ravaged land, and become the hope of mankind...well, once he learns how to use the game console controller, develops some skills and techniques, and learns to avoid getting killed every time he reloads the game.


The sky began to brighten over the Wasteland. The darkness gave way to long shadows, as the sun peaked over the hills surrounding Megaton. In a destroyed house, Tom and Ralph stirred from their makeshift sleeping mats. They gathered their meager belongings and set off. It would be another long day of trying to gather enough scrap to earn a meal at the Brass Lantern in Megaton. After an hour, Tom had a few scant tin cans and empty bottles in his sack. Ralph discovered some pre-war clothes in a suitcase and some scrap metal. They worked their way through Springvale and came across a mailbox. Tom opened it and pulled out a skill book.

"What the..." said Tom, as he examined the book in his hands and then scanned the surrounding landscape as his breath formed mist in the cool morning air. Then he heard it, the telltale sound of an explosion. "Uh oh, did you hear that?"

"Yeah," said Ralph. "sounded like an explosion."

"No, that's no explosion. I think he's back. Come on, lets check it out." They walk a short distance up the road from Springvale township. There, they reach a radioactive pool in the middle of the road below the entrance to Vault 101. Tom held up his hand and they stopped.

"What? Did you hear something Tom?"

"No, just wait a minute, any second now we should..."

He was interrupted as a body bounced past them and rolled into the middle of the road.

"Oh snap!" said Ralph pulling out his knife and looking around for more falling bodies, "That scarred the hell out of me."

"Just as I suspected." said Tom. He walked up to the body to examine it. It was dressed in a blue jumpsuit with a yellow number 101 on his back.

"I knew it!" said Tom. "It's him again, the Lone Wanderer."

"You know this guy? Who is he and what killed him?"

"Oh I know him alright. I've seen him before, many times, and always dead. As far as what killed him, well that's kind of become a specialty of mine. I can usually figure it out." Tom took out his tire iron and rolled the body over. "Uh hu, see that there?" he asks as he points at the body's misaligned arm.

"Yeah, looks broken."

"Yep, I'd bet his neck is broken too. My guess is, he wandered around up there on those rocks and lost his footing and fell off the cliff and rolled down here. Elementary."

"Oh, poor bastard." said Ralph. "Uh, wait; did you say 'always dead?'"

"That's right. This guy keeps getting killed by his own bad technique and inexperience."

"You mean he's died before and keeps coming back?"

"Oh, it gets worse. I keep finding his body everywhere. I've personally seen this guy: gnawed to bits by Mole Rats, ripped to shreds by Vicious Dogs, hacked to pieces by Raiders, skewered by Deathclaws, and served up as a Yao Gui chew toy. I've even seen him blow himself up by his own inept handling of hand grenades. You DO NOT want to hang out with this Dude!"

"Uh, is it safe to be standing here?" asked Ralph.

"Yeah, he won't be back for a few days, but sure as the day is long, he'll be back. In the mean time he'll lay here baking in the sun and get'n ripe. I got tired of burying him a long time ago. He has single-handedly been stinking up the whole wasteland. But sure enough, he'll turn up again at Megaton, all fresh out of Vault 101, not a dent in the fender, and all ready to take on the Wastes. It's like the Universe doesn't want to give up on this guy. I mean look at him, he hasn't even survived long enough to have anything good to loot off his body."

Ralph shook his head with a pitied expression as he looked at the fallen hero.

"Come on Ralph, let's go have a beer at Megaton before this goof comes back and decides to tinker with their bomb."

* * *

Somewhere, in an alternate universe, a lone figure sits dejected in a dark room, as a glowing image reads, "Please Stand By..."

* * *

**A/N:** Yes, before I learned the intricacies of handling an XBox controller and how to use VATS, I experienced all these embarrassing episodes and died many a death in what the British would call, "Death by misadventure." Eventually I gained the skills to earn the praise of Three Dog and became The Lone Wanderer. But I still save a lot...just in case.

Hope you enjoyed this one-shot. Please check out the other stories listed at the bottom of my profile page.

P.S. Thanks for the reviews and advice, I'll use that spelling trick!


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